ROFLOL:

A new slogan has been recommended for Fruita, Colo., previously
 best known as the home of Mike the Headless Chicken (This is True, 23
 April 2000). The slogan, “WTF”, of course stands for “Welcome to
 Fruita”, and a local couple already printed stickers with the slogan.
 There are mixed feelings about the proposal. “We saw them and thought
 it was pretty funny and thought it might be a good idea,” said city
 manager Clint Kinney. Indeed, the first 500 stickers were quickly
 snapped up, and its creators quickly ordered 2,000 more. “I can
 understand the need for creativeness,” said a very politic Mayor Ken
 Henry. “But my feeling is if they’re creative enough to come up with
 WTF, they’re creative enough to come up with something that doesn’t
 insult the sensitivities of people.” Opponents are pressing for “TGIF”,
 for “Thank God It’s Fruita”.

A THOUGHT: Remember, NSFW — Not Saying Fruita’s Witless.

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IF YOU DON’T LIKE THE WAY I DRIVE, STAY OFF THE SIDEWALK:

 Sharonda Cheeves, 24, and Jesslyn Williams, 23, were denied entry to Club
 Motivation in North Philadelphia, Pa. But instead of going home, they
 kept coming back. “Over 2-1/2 hours, I asked them five times to go
 home,” said Kadella Davis, who hosted parties at the club. Instead,
 Cheeves and Williams got in their car and drove around the club,
 plowing into people on the sidewalk — including Davis, who suffered
 multiple facial fractures, four broken vertebrae, a fractured pelvis,
 and a broken arm. Williams made three laps, then got out of the car and
 Cheeves took one more lap, killing Alisha Moore, 27, in the process. At
 their sentencing, Judge Benjamin Lerner sentenced Williams to 2-4 years
 in prison, three years of probation, and a $2,000 fine. Cheeves
 received 4-8 years in prison followed by two years probation and a
 $1,000 fine. Lerner said he could have given a lighter sentence, but
 cited “the number of times that [Williams] had the opportunity to
 desist what she was doing and simply drive away.”

A THOUGHT: If you’re going to be stupid, you might as well go all the way.

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WELCOME, THIEVES:

When Spokane Valley, Wash., police found Nathan John
 Calvert with a Jeep full of stuff, they had one big clue theft was
 involved: Calvert had said so on Facebook. But officers could find no
 police reports identifying the stolen goods and their owners. One
 possible reason: the police department in neighboring Spokane closed
 its property crimes unit last year and publicly announced it would only
 investigate about one in 20 property crimes. Now Spokane Valley cops,
 who still have a property crimes unit, often end up investigating
 Spokane thefts because repeat offenders strike in both jurisdictions.
 Plus some Spokane residents are investigating matters themselves.
 Property crime statistics did drop last year in Spokane, but it’s not
 clear whether that’s because of citizens’ independent work, or because
 people simply aren’t bothering to report crimes. Anne Kirkpatrick, the
 former police chief who closed the property crimes unit, says she’s not
 to blame: she’d warned city officials that if they kept cutting her
 budget, she’d close the property unit.

A THOUGHT : I guess closing the drug unit wouldn’t have been as good a threat.
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SIDE BUSINESS:

The Noble Network charter school in Chicago, Ill., is
 charging students $5 to attend detention for “minor disciplinary
 infractions” such as not tying shoelaces when told, or possessing soft
 drinks. “It’s nickel-and-diming kids for literally nothing that really
 matters,” complains the executive director of Parents United for
 Responsible Education, Julie Woestehoff. Critics say the fines, which
 brought in $200,000 last year, are a ploy to drive out “troubled”
 students to push up graduation rates. “If you have rules, you have to
 enforce them,” responds the school district’s CEO, Michael Milkie. “We
 have set that fee to offset the cost to administer detention.” After 12
 $5 detentions, students are required to attend a “discipline class” —
 which costs $140. At least some parents support the measure. Kimberly
 Davis said she paid $300 for fees and behavior classes for her
 daughter, but adds she will soon graduate. “You have to buy into the
 program,” Davis said. (RC/Chicago Tribune) ..

A THOUGHT: Right: that’s what the others are complaining about.

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COCKY CRIMINAL:

Three years ago, Danny Pham, now 36, was arrested on
 Super Bowl Sunday after police found a cockfighting operation behind
 his Lake Worth, Fla., home. Pham said he was watching football and
 didn’t know what was going on in his yard — claiming he wasn’t aware
 of the arena set up there, nor the 89 roosters that were being used for
 fights. Apparently that excuse didn’t work: he’s on probation from the
 case, including a prohibition from possessing any animals. Pham has
 been arrested again: suspicious postal authorities called in Palm Beach
 County animal control officers because a live rooster had been mailed
 to Pham. When Pham picked the bird up, sheriff’s deputies were waiting.
 He told officers that the box in his hand with air holes and marked
 “Live Animal” was “not his chicken.” He was arrested on a charge of
 probation violation.

A THOUGHT: Given: Pham, and a
 rooster. Your task: determine which one has more brains.

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MATERNAL INSTINCTS:

 Josefa Lopez, 80, asked her daughter, Teresa Medina,
 to give her a ride to the taping of a TV show. But before they could
 leave Lopez’s Hialeah, Fla., driveway, a man grabbed Medina by the arm
 and pulled her out of the driver’s seat. Then, Lopez says, the man
 started shouting “Give me” as he pulled her to the ground by her hair
 and started kicking her and hitting her with a gun. That was when Lopez
 charged him. “I thought she was dead,” Lopez said. “I yelled at him, ‘I
 am going to kill you, son of a bitch!’ I wasn’t myself.” She hit him
 with her cane, and the man fled, taking Medina’s purse with him. Medina
 had scrapes and bruises on her arms and back, and a large bruise under
 her eye, but was otherwise unharmed. Although she acknowledges she
 could have been killed, the 4-foot-9-inch Lopez says she would do it
 again. “When you see your daughter in trouble,” she said, “you have to
 do something.” Her daughter, by the way, is 61. 

A THOUGHT: NEVER get between a mother and her child — no matter the
 age or species.

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HEY EVERYBODY, LOOK AT THIS!

 Several people in Rock Island, Ill., were
 passing around something for everyone to admire: a 12ga shotgun. As
 various people posed with the gun for photos, the shotgun — obviously
 loaded — discharged, shooting Zachary Inman, 18, in the leg. A police
 cruiser happened to drive by shortly after, and someone flagged it
 down, and they called for an ambulance. The gun’s apparent owner,
 Matthew Nazari, 18, was charged with being a felon in possession of a
 firearm, and other charges may be pending.

A THOUGHT: “I was posing with it and it went off” is even dumber than the cleaning
 excuse.

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BEST EXCUSE EVER:

 Security at the JC Penney store in the Provo (Utah)
 Towne Centre Mall spotted Leah Efay Davis, 32, placing several items in
 a store bag. They say they watched her leave without paying, stopped
 her, and found nearly $600 worth of merchandise. Davis claimed to have
 a valid excuse: she told police she owned the mall, was eight months
 pregnant, and — the clincher — she had played Rudy Huxtable on “The
 Cosby Show”. That character, however, was played by actress Keisha
 Knight Pulliam. Davis was charged with retail theft — enhanced to a
 felony because of prior shoplifting convictions.

A THOUGHT: Had she actually been Rudy, the whole matter would have been
 resolved in 22 minutes with an important lesson learned.

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ARE YOU JOKING?

  “I don’t think the national anthem is something we ought
 to be joking around with,” said Indiana state Sen. Vaneta Becker,
 explaining her proposed law to regulate the singing of “The Star-
 Spangled Banner” — the national anthem. Under the bill, the state
 education department would create “performance standards,” and anyone
 singing the anthem for school events would have to agree to comply —
 and face a $25 fine if the performance broke the rules. Becker said she
 was prompted by a constituent who was upset about altered lyrics that
 had been used in a school program, but says she had also heard the song
 parodied on TV.

A THOUGHT: In some public schools, just
 singing “the land of the free and the home of the brave” is parody
 enough.

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Case Closed

 The Buffalo News describes the suburb
 of Tonawanda as “sleepy,” but things were tense after a woman called
 police to say her son was holding two hostages in his home. The town’s
 SWAT team surrounded the residence and evacuated neighbors, but when
 they ordered the man via bullhorn to drop his weapons and come out,
 nothing happened. The woman insisted her son was armed, so police stood
 watch from 5:45 a.m. until they finally reached the man at 10:45 a.m.
 on his cell phone, and he stepped out as requested. He hadn’t heard the
 commotion because he was asleep. “It was just a guy who had too much to
 drink,” said police Capt. Jonathan Scott. “It turned out not to be a
 hostage situation.” Still, the unnamed man, who is on leave from the
 Marines after serving in Iraq, was charged with fourth-degree criminal
 mischief and taken for a mental examination.

 A THOUGHT: Wait:  they charged a sleepy war veteran with a crime and let the mother go
 free?

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