Absurd Political Quotes

A free society is one in which will mean more likely a peaceful partner in a troubled neighborhood.
U.S. President George W. Bush 
 
A wounded German soldier during World War II wandered into a government hospital seeking aid. He found himself in a lobby facing two doors, one marked “Seriously Wounded” and the other “Slightly Wounded.” He took the second door and found two more doors, entitled “Officers” and “Enlisted.” Again he chose number two and found a third pair of doors. One said, “Nazi Party Members,” and the other said, “Non-Party Members.” So he stepped through the second door and found himself back out on the sidewalk! Later his mother asked him about his experience. His comment was, “The care wasn’t very good, but I have to admit they were very, very organized!”
Brent Isbell
 
Ain’t nothin’ in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos.
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower
 
Al Gore gave a big speech a few weeks ago about how his faith is so important to him. In this attempt to convince the American people that we should consider him for president, he announced that his favorite Bible verse is John 16:3. Of course the speech writer meant John 3:16, but nobody in the Gore camp was familiar enough with scripture to catch the error. Do you know what John 16:3 says? “And they will do this because they have not known the Father nor Me.”
received in an E-mail (the source of many falsehoods)
 
And from Washington comes word that President and Mrs. Lincoln will spend Nixon’s birthday at Key Biscane, Florida, on February 12th.
unidentified newscaster
 
And now, will y’all stand and be recognized?
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis to a group of handicapped people in wheelchairs
 
And one of the points I want to make is, is that if you actually took the number of Muslim Americans, we’d be one of the largest Muslim countries in the world . . .
Barack Hussein Obama, President of the U.S., which ranks thirty-eighth
 
Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued…Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976.
Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid
 
Calvin Coolidge looks as if he was weaned on a pickle.
Alice Roosevelt Longworth
 
Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth Corners, Vermont.
Clarence Darrow
 
Dallas salutes a person who can buy a piece of art, but not a person who can create one.
A. C. Greene
 
He didn’t say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech.
Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn’t following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands
 
He doesn’t say I directly told him anything. He says that, you know, the fact that I expressed concern had an impact on him. The mere expression of concern could be, I guess, taken to mean something more than it was meant.
Hillary Clinton
 
I always, always, sometimes, say, government can hand out money . . .
U.S. President George W. Bush
 
I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for my predecessors as well.
U.S. President George W. Bush
 
I am speaking of a great man who should have been president and would have been one of the greatest presidents in history–Hubert Horatio Hornblower.
U.S. President James Earl Carter
 
I believe that marriage is the union between a man and a woman. I am not somebody who promotes same-sex marriage. . . You will see a time in which we as a nation finally recognize relationships between two men or two women as just as real and admirable as relationships between a man and a woman.
U.S. President Barack Hussein Obama, 8/17/2008, to the Saddleback Church;U.S. President Barack Hussein Obama, 10/11/2009, to HRC (who are, in their own words, “working for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender equal rights”)
 
I can’t believe that we are going to let a majority of the people decide what’s best for this state.
Louisiana state legislator John Travis
 
I didn’t accept it. I received it.
Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan.
 
I do not like this word “bomb.” It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding.
French Ambassador to New Zealand Jacques leBlanc
 
I don’t know what’s wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.
Bruce Baum
 
I don’t see, Mr. Speaker, why we should put ourselves out of the way to serve posterity. What has posterity ever done for us? . . . By posterity, sir, I do not mean our ancestors, but those who are to come immediately after them.
Sir Boyle Roche
 
I guess I would have voted with the majority if it was a close vote. But I agree with the arguments the minority made.
Bill Clinton, referring to the resolution of the Persian Gulf War
 
I have lied in good faith.
Bernard Tapie, a French politician who committed perjury
 
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US congress.
Ronald Reagan
 
I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
 
I intend to open this country up to democracy, and anyone who is against that, I will jail, I will crush.
Brasilian president João Baptista Figueiredo
 
I made no attempt to be inaccurate, but I want to be clear I was not attempting to be precise.
Josh Steiner, Treasury chief of staff under President Clinton
 
I move we recess to go outside and throw up.
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a budget hearing
 
I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate.
Vice-President Dan Quayle
 
I think that gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.
Cal-ee-fornia Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger
 
I think that’s self-evident, but not true.
U.S. President Bill Clinton
 
I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was flying made what I was doing spying.
Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US
 
I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes.
U.S. President Richard Nixon
 
I’d just make a little bit of money, I wouldn’t make a whole lot.
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis defending himself against the charge that he would personally profit from a bill he had introduced
 
I’m not going to come out with programs that will defeat me, no matter how I stand on that program, because I want to get elected.
North Carolina gubernatorial candidate R. B. Jordan III
 
I’ve always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted.
Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries
 
I’ve got to run now and relax. The doctor told me to relax. The doctor told me. He was the one. He said, “Relax.”
U.S. President George H. W. Bush
 
If a city council meeting ends without gunfire, it’s a success.
a resident of Whittier, Alaska
 
If Gore invented the internet, then I invented spell check!
Dan Quayle
 
If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin’ rights on that man’s head.
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing president George Bush’s policies
 
In New York state, the liberals wanted Hillary Clinton to run for senate. So they sported, on their back bumpers, stickers that say, “Run, Hillary, Run!” The conservatives were putting the same stickers on their front bumpers.
heard on the radio
 
In the article “Devote Every Effort To Running Successfully Socialist Research Institutes” (Sci. Sin. Vol XIX, No. 5), “the arch unrepentant capitalist-roader in the Party Teng Hsiao-ping” should read “Teng Hsiao-ping.”
Journal Of The Chinese Academy Of Sciences
 
In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent.
John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard Nixon, in an early 70s speech, as reported in a contemporary “American Scholar”
 
It depends on what your definition of “is” is.
U.S. President William Jefferson Clinton, obstructing justice
 
It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position.
John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job.
 
It just makes good sense to put all your eggs in one basket.
Texas Rep. Joe Salem speaking on an amendment requiring all revenues to go into the state treasury
 
It should be thoroughly understood that the Solids Fuels Administration is not trying to convert anthracite consumers to the use of bituminous coal. We are trying to convert anthracite consumers to the use of bituminous coal.
Secretary Of The Interior Harold Ickes (This was possibly a misprint on the part of the newspaper that reported the statement.)
 
It wasn’t always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship.
U.S. President George W. Bush
 
It’s hard to be successful if you don’t make something somebody doesn’t want to buy.
U.S. President George W. Bush
 
Joe Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (made in Japan) for 6:00a.m. While his coffee pot (made in China) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong). He put on a dress shirt (made in Sri Lanka), designer jeans (made in Singapore), and tennis shoes (made in Korea). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in India), he sat down with his calculator (made in Mexico), to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (made in Taiwan), to the radio (made in India), he got in his car (made in Germany) and continued his search for a good-paying job. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (made in Brazil), poured himself a glass of wine (made in France), and turned on his TV (made in Indonesia), then wondered why he can’t find a good-paying job in America.
anonymous
 
Mr. Chik died from a bronchial complaint that resulted from the eight shots fired by the police into his vehicle. When Mr. Chik was admitted to the hospital, he was alert and gave sensible answers to his questioner. His gunshot wounds may have contributed to his death, but it must be borne in mind that a hospital bed can easily become a hostile environment.
Hong Kong government official
[My critics] misunderestimated me.
U.S. President George W. Bush
 
My fellow citizens . . . uh . . . my fellow convicts . . .
New York governor Al Smith, searching for the right word while speaking to Sing Sing inmates
 
My job is to do my job.
Senator Olympia Snowe of Maine
 
Oh good. Now he’ll be bi-ignorant.
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower when told that Texas Governor Bill Clements had been studying Spanish
 
Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases “revenue enhancement.” Not so. No one was fooled.
Dan Quayle
 
[Our enemies] never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
U.S. President George W. Bush
 
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
 
Please just don’t look at part of the glass, the part is only less than half full.
U.S. President George H. W. Bush
 
Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.
Chicago Rotary Club journal, “Gyrator”
 
Shaking hands with Bill Clinton is, in and of itself, a full-body sexual experience.
Judith Krantz
 
Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25.
MaryAnne Tebedo, Colorado state senator
 
Summer 1999: Vice President Al Gore had a brilliant idea for a photo op . . . a canoe trip down the Connecticut River. The problem was that the water level was low, and getting stuck in the mud would not fulfill the purpose he had in mind. So this supposedly environment-friendly politician had the authorities release four billion gallons of water from the dam upstream. The Vermont Department of Natural Resources commented that this was more than they were allowed to do when the fish needed the level raised.
info gleaned from the Washington Times
 
Some of our friends are for it. Some of our friends are against it. And we’re standing with our friends.
Mike McCurry, President Clinton’s press secretary
 
Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25.
Colorado state senator MaryAnne Tebedo
 
Sure, it’s going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.
Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane
 
That’s like putting toothpaste back into the tube before it comes out.
Alaska Representative Don Young commenting on a Senate proposal
 
That’s pretty far away.
U.S. President Barack Hussein Obama, looking through a telescope
 
The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history…this century’s history…. We all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.
Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust
 
The police are not here to create disorder. They are here to preserve disorder.
Chicago’s Mayor Daley
 
The president has kept all the promises he intended to keep.
Clinton aide George Stephanopolis, on “Larry King Live”
 
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It’s only the people who make them unsafe.
Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
 
The trouble is not that you can’t take it with you, but that you can’t even keep it while you are here.
Will Rogers
 
The word is not covert, it’s overt. Covert means you’re out in the open. Overt is what I did. I was under cover.
Chic Hecht, senator from Nevada
 
Then you wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling.
U.S. President George W. Bush
 
There are a lot of things we do that are irrelevant, but that’s what the Senate is for.
Wyoming Senator Alan Simpson
 
There are known knowns. These are things that we know we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are some things that we know we don’t know. But there are alos some unknown unknowns. There are things we don’t know we don’t know.
Secretary Of Defense Donald Rumsfeld
 
There are still places where people think that the function of the media is to provide information.
Don Rottenberg
 
There’s a lot of uncertainty that’s not clear in my mind.
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
 
There’s no connection between their lobbying work and the money they contribute.
Rick Evans
 
There’s no doubt in my mind that we should allow the world’s worst leaders to hold America hostage, to threaten our peace, to threaten our friends and allies with the world’s worst weapons.
U.S. President George W. Bush
 
They gave me a book of checks. They didn’t ask for any deposits.
Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank scandal.
 
This isn’t a football game, so I’m not interested in victory.
U.S. President Barack Hussein Obama, on precenting Iran from developing nuclear weapons
 
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
anonymous
 
U. N. goodwill may be a bottomless pit, but it’s by no means limitless.
British prime minister John Major
 
Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.
Kepper Ender, cabinet member
 
Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy
 
We believe we are already within a democratic system. Some factors are still missing, like the expression of the people’s will.
Argentinan President Roberto Eduardo Viola
 
We can outcompete with anybody.
U.S. President George W. Bush
 
We cannot afford to let terrorist and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.
U.S. President George W. Bush
 
We have nothing against ideas. We’re against people spreading them.
General Augusto Pinochet of Chile
 
We have people from every planet on the earth in this state.
California Governor Grey Davis
 
Welcome to Cinco de Cuatro.
U.S. President Barack Hussein Obama to a group of Latinos
 
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
Calvin Coolidge
 
You might say I was there to make sure all the i’s were crossed and the t’s were dotted.
John Dean, White House legal adviser
 
You start with a set of musicians, all of whom are virtuoso, and try to choose some violinists, some oboists, and some woodwinds.
John Sexton, making a case for affirmative action 
 
 A THOUGHT: “No Comment!” 
 
 

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About Chase Morgan
Chase Morgan is just your average, ordinary All-American writer. Chase began writing several years ago, but never published anything until the "Are You Friggen' Kidding Me?" blog launched in August of 2009. Chase simply got tired of standing around and just observing all of the craziness in the world, so this anxious writer sat down and wrote the first "Are YOu Friggen' Kidding Me?" article on August 19th, 2009. Now, any time something makes Chase say, "Are You Friggen' Kidding Me?", the issue get's transformed into an article. Chase is currently single, homeless and living under a bridge in South Florida.

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