"Duh, which way did he go, George?"

DUMB PEOPLE SCARE ME

Episode I: The Invisible Elevator

I made it outside my vast office complex, several feet from the parking garage and freedom for the afternoon. I encountered a woman, outside, looking up, appearing dazed.

Me: Do you need some help?
Her: Is there an elevator out here?
Me: Um. No. Where are you trying to go?
Her: The South Building.
Me: Not to be rude but, like, you’re aware that you’re outside, right?
Her: Uh-huh.
Me: And engineers in their vast wisdom usually don’t put free standing elevators outside.
Her: Uh-huh. But where’s the elevator?
Me: First step, turn around and go back inside where elevators usually are. Then take your first right.
Her: Thanks!

Admittedly, I didn’t need to be a smart-ass but really I did.

Episode II: Idiot on Aisle Three

I was in the grocery store. Picking up beer. Fire Rock and Shiner Bock to be precise. Around the corner came a woman trying to find fish.

Her: Hey, do you work here? I’m looking for fish.
Me: Uh sorry. Don’t know where the fish are though I have a sneaking suspicion you can find them under the sign that says seafood.
Her: Why wouldn’t you know for sure?
Me: Maybe because I don’t work here. And I’m just here for beer. And never buy fish.
Her: Oh, I’m sorry. You sure you don’t work here?
Me: I’m pretty sure. No one seemed mystified when I showed up at my office this morning.
Her: Oh, okay. Well, I’m sorry about that.
Me: No problem.

I didn’t ask her but I’ll ask you – how many grocery store employees do you run into wearing suits and ties?

Episode III: Too Dumb To Drive

After the grocery store incident, I stopped to get some gas. In the parking lot was a man who had obviously locked his keys in his car. Yet, instead of using an actual slim-jim to pop the locks, this dude climbed a tree, tore off a branch and started using it – a stick – as a make-shift slim-jim. Imagine our collective surprise – mine feigned, his genuine – when it broke. What did he do? Climbed the damn tree again. He’s probably still there.

Posted by Chris: May 20, 2009 5:38 AM | TrackBack
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About Chase Morgan
Chase Morgan is just your average, ordinary All-American writer. Chase began writing several years ago, but never published anything until the "Are You Friggen' Kidding Me?" blog launched in August of 2009. Chase simply got tired of standing around and just observing all of the craziness in the world, so this anxious writer sat down and wrote the first "Are YOu Friggen' Kidding Me?" article on August 19th, 2009. Now, any time something makes Chase say, "Are You Friggen' Kidding Me?", the issue get's transformed into an article. Chase is currently single, homeless and living under a bridge in South Florida.

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