A Hardened Criminal

A week has passed and police have yet to make an arrest in the crash-and-grab theft of an $800 Pipedream Extreme Fuck Me Silly 3 Mega Masturbator from an Ohio sex shop.

Lorain County Sheriff’s Office investigators are still hunting for the man who last Monday used a stolen tractor to open the rear doors to the Adultmart in Brownhelm Township. Surveillance video revealed that after “busting the doors apart” around 2:25 AM, a white male perpetrator wearing a royal blue hoodie ran in and swiped the masturbator, according to an amusing sheriff’s report.

The subject, deputies noted, “then left in an unknown direction of travel” with the masturbator, which its manufacturer, Pipedream Products, describes as “over 20 lbs. of legs, ass & pussy!!

The item, made of “Fanta Flesh lifelike skin,” replicates a woman’s body from the waist down (as seen in the above box). The “mega masturbator,” Pipedream reports, “is the most realistic and lifelike lower half of a woman ever developed!

An hour after the August 22 break-in, a sheriff’s deputy spotted the Volvo tractor used to slam into Adultmart in the nearby city of Elyria. The suspect bolted from the tractor and was able to escape apprehension by Deputy Weegman. The report does not indicate whether the masturbator thief was in possession of the Extreme Fuck Me Silly 3 at the time (though the item has not been subsequently recovered).

When collared, the suspect will face a variety of felony charges, including theft and breaking and entering.

A THOUGHT: How to find the tractor driving culprit: Tommy Lee Jones (as Sam Gerard) said it best in [The Fugitive], “Alright, listen up, people. Our fugitive has been on the {Tractor} for ninety minutes. Average {Tractor} speed over uneven ground barring {a missing mud flap} is 4 miles-per-hour. That gives us a radius of six miles. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, hen house, outhouse and doghouse in that area. Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles. Your fugitive’s name is Dr. Ruth Westheimer}. Go get {her}.”

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About Chase Morgan
Chase Morgan is just your average, ordinary All-American writer. Chase began writing several years ago, but never published anything until the "Are You Friggen' Kidding Me?" blog launched in August of 2009. Chase simply got tired of standing around and just observing all of the craziness in the world, so this anxious writer sat down and wrote the first "Are YOu Friggen' Kidding Me?" article on August 19th, 2009. Now, any time something makes Chase say, "Are You Friggen' Kidding Me?", the issue get's transformed into an article. Chase is currently single, homeless and living under a bridge in South Florida.

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