When Jesse Dimmick was a fugitive from Colorado fleeing a murder charge, he led police in
 Kansas on a chase, and his car was disabled in front of a newlywed
 couple’s house. He ran in and confronted the couple, Jared and Lindsay
 Rowley, at knifepoint. As police surrounded the house, Dimmick says he
 got a verbal agreement from the couple that they would help him escape
 in exchange for an unspecified cash payment, which he says constituted
 “a legally binding oral contract.” But when he fell asleep, the Rowleys
 fled the house and police stormed in, shooting and wounding Dimmick. He
 was convicted of multiple felonies in the case, but after his
 sentencing (10 years, 11 months), Dimmick was extradited to Colorado to
 face the murder charge. In his free time while awaiting trial in that
 case, Dimmick has sued the Rowleys “without the aid of professional
 [sic] legal counsel,” his claim notes, alleging “breech [sic] of
 contract” and demanding $235,000 in compensation. The Rowleys’ attorney
 asked for a dismissal of the suit, but the judge has yet to rule on
 that motion.

A THOUGHT: The law has this backwards – Inmates shouldn’t be allowed to file such suits without the judge’s permission.

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"Party on Wayne" – "Party on Garth"

Two 20-year-old men at a party in Sweden noticed an 18-year-old woman had passed out from drinking too much. They thought it would be “fun” to take “compromising pictures” of her – they pulled up her shirt and took photos of her breasts. Other shots showed the men giving each other “high-fives” – with their own pants pulled down to expose themselves next to her. But despite the photographic evidence, the unnamed men were exonerated of sexual molestation because, the Stockholm District Court ruled, by being unconscious, the woman was not aware she was being molested. “She considers herself to have been seriously violated,” said prosecutor Gunnar Merkel. He plans to appeal the ruling.

A THOUGHT: Meanwhile, I don’t want to even think about what’s going on in hospital coma wards in the country.

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Dazed and Confused

Donn Adams, 68, of Louisville, Ky., drove his car into a ditch. When officers arrived, they found Adams confused and disoriented. He denied being under the influence of drugs, but told officers he took Suboxone for an opiate addiction. He refused to give  permission for police to search his car, but they spotted two syringes of what appeared to be heroin in plain sight. Adams told police he “thought it was heroin” but that “his friend” had left it in the car, not him. What probably sealed his arrest was when Adams explained to officers that he had only had “two pizzas to drink” for lunch.

A THOUGHT: The question: What kind of mushrooms were on the pizza?

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A Dreadful Lawsuit

“He thanked me and said, ‘You did a great job and I’m satisfied’,” said Attorney Harrison Williams of his client, Eon Shepherd, after their federal lawsuit against the state concluded. Shepherd is a prisoner serving life, and with Williams’ help he sued the State of New York because prison guards “touched” his “sacred” Rastafarian dreadlocks during a search, and “slightly tore” his hair. With Williams’ help, Shepherd won the suit – and was awarded $1.00 by the jury. Williams says his law firm put in $75,000 worth of billable hours to prosecute the case; an appeals court ruled that the federal Prison Litigation Reform Act, which was passed to try to stem ridiculous lawsuits by inmates, applied in this case. The Act in part limits attorney’s fees to 150 percent of a jury award applied, and the court awarded Williams $1.50 for his time.

A THOUGHT: Hopefully he’s one and a half times more satisfied than Shepherd.

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Try, Try Again

A 54-year-old Charleston, W.V., man was distraught over his recent breakup, so he went to his ex-girlfriend’s house with a .380-caliber handgun, put it to his head, and threatened to shoot himself if she didn’t take him back. Eventually, she convinced him to put the gun down, but he then accidentally shot himself in the left hand and left foot. Police are not releasing the man’s name.

A THOUGHT: Who cares! I just want to know if she took him back.

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If at first you don’t succeed…

When Chaz Ursomanno, 22, of Seminole, Fla., pulled out his pistol, his girlfriend, Naomi Ensell, 24, objected. Don’t worry, Ursomanno told her: the gun was “safe and unloaded.” To prove that, he put it to his head and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. “Confident it was empty, he repeated this again,” said a Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office spokesman. The gun was, in fact, loaded, and this time it fired. Ursomanno was hospitalized in “serious” condition.

A THOUGHT: I’m more interested in Ensell’s condition after watching that.

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Petty Theft

When Kenya Ealy arrived home at her University City, Mo., apartment, she found someone inside. She and a friend tried to open the door, but someone inside was holding it closed. When they realized it was an intruder, the roles reversed: they held the door closed while screaming for someone to call the police while the man tried to get out. They held on long enough for officers to take Damon Petty, 36, into custody. Petty had been in Ealy’s kitchen cooking bacon, police report, and officers found some other items of Ealy’s in his pockets.
Petty has been charged with burglary and is being held on $25,000 bail.

A THOUGHT: Theft of most foods is a misdemeanor, but stealing bacon is a felony, just as it should be.

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Oblivious Moronious

As the manager of a gas station in Snellville, Ga., was being robbed, he was smiling, even chuckling. “Yo! Give me all the money in the [fucking] register! Right now!” the robber had ordered. “The manager was laughing at the time he was putting the money in the bag because he was looking at me over the guy who was robbing him,” said Snellville Police Lt. B.W. Brown, who was standing right behind the robber – in uniform. And it’s not like the robber hadn’t seen him – a few minutes before, the robber had asked the officer for a ride; his fully marked patrol car was parked right out front. The officer had declined to be his taxi. Once the manager handed over a bag of money, Brown put his hand on the robber’s shoulder and arrested him, and then “everyone in the store started laughing,” he said. Stephen Frankie Daniel, 21, was charged with robbery.

A THOUGHT: Yo! I didn’t want a “taxi.” I wanted a [fucking] getaway driver! Right now!

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“It’s like a bad Samsonite commercial,” a police spokesman said. Monique Exum, 36, says that a friend “told me if someone dies in your apartment you go to jail,” so she “didn’t know what to do” when her boyfriend, Johnny Davis, 73, died in their Bronx apartment. The New York, N.Y., woman thus naturally stuffed Davis’s body into a suitcase, which she dragged down three flights of stairs and left on the porch of an abandoned house. It took three months for someone to notice the “suspicious package” and call police, who quickly tracked the suitcase back to Exum. She insisted it was all a mistake and did nothing wrong, but she is being held on suspicion of improper body removal – and raiding Davis’s bank accounts.

A THOUGHT: How much do you want to bet there was a nametag on the suitcase?

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The Gumby Files

The clerk at a convenience store in San Diego, Calif., saw two men come in, one of them dressed as Gumby, the green claymation character, who asked for cigarettes. Then Gumby announced, “This is a robbery!” The clerk, figuring it was a gag, replied, “Come on man, don’t waste my time. I have things to do.” But Gumby said he had a gun, and tried to reach for it, but the costume was so bulky he couldn’t get his hand inside to get it, and he fled. The clerk, who didn’t know who Gumby was, didn’t bother calling police, but when his boss saw the video the next day, he did. “Yeah, it’s hilarious to look at it on the video,” said San Diego police Det. Gary Hassen. “But, it is a very serious crime.” Investigators were able to figure out who the two men were and asked them to come in for a chat. Jacob Kiss, 19, who wore the costume, and his friend Jason Giramma, 19, did as they were told, and said it was all a prank, and that Kiss didn’t have a gun. The costume was confiscated as evidence, and the whole file has been forwarded to the district attorney to determine what charges, if any, should be filed.

A THOUGHT: Let’s hope prosecutors are more flexible than Gumby was.

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