Die Another Day

“I told her I didn’t want to die,” said a 17-year-old boy from Edgewater, Fla., to police. “And then she wouldn’t get out of the car so I had to pull it over. I had to pull like her, like, move her over and she started hitting me. I have bites, cuts and punches all over my face,” he said. The “she” involved is his mother. The family, including his father, was coming home from a Blue Oyster Cult concert, and his mother was drunk and “out of control,” driving close to 110 mph, the boy said. The car eventually ran out of gas, which is when he called 911. Deputies gave the boy a ride to protective custody; his father, Ronald Siciliano, a ride home; and the mother, Patricia Siciliano, 41, a ride to jail. She was charged with domestic battery, child abuse without great harm, resisting arrest, and three counts of battery on a law enforcement officer – but not drunk driving, since deputies didn’t actually see her behind the wheel. “She’s not a very smart alcoholic,” the boy said, “at all.”

A THOUGHT: Not too many of them are, son.

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Dazed and Confused

Donn Adams, 68, of Louisville, Ky., drove his car into a ditch. When officers arrived, they found Adams confused and disoriented. He denied being under the influence of drugs, but told officers he took Suboxone for an opiate addiction. He refused to give  permission for police to search his car, but they spotted two syringes of what appeared to be heroin in plain sight. Adams told police he “thought it was heroin” but that “his friend” had left it in the car, not him. What probably sealed his arrest was when Adams explained to officers that he had only had “two pizzas to drink” for lunch.

A THOUGHT: The question: What kind of mushrooms were on the pizza?

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A group of tourists went on a deep-sea diving trip off the coast of Key Biscayne, Fla. After being in the water for 55 minutes, Paul Kline of Austin, Texas, and another diver from Spain surfaced to find four-foot swells, but no dive boat. “We were in shock,” Kline said, to realize they were left behind miles offshore. The two men spotted a fishing buoy and held on for more than two hours until they were rescued by a passing yacht. When the captain of the dive boat, Mike Beach, was finally reached, he refused to answer questions about how he lost track of two men he was responsible for. “Everybody is OK, no one is hurt, everyone is happy,” Beach said. “That’s all.”

A THOUGHT: Wishful thinking.

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Oblivious Moronious

As the manager of a gas station in Snellville, Ga., was being robbed, he was smiling, even chuckling. “Yo! Give me all the money in the [fucking] register! Right now!” the robber had ordered. “The manager was laughing at the time he was putting the money in the bag because he was looking at me over the guy who was robbing him,” said Snellville Police Lt. B.W. Brown, who was standing right behind the robber – in uniform. And it’s not like the robber hadn’t seen him – a few minutes before, the robber had asked the officer for a ride; his fully marked patrol car was parked right out front. The officer had declined to be his taxi. Once the manager handed over a bag of money, Brown put his hand on the robber’s shoulder and arrested him, and then “everyone in the store started laughing,” he said. Stephen Frankie Daniel, 21, was charged with robbery.

A THOUGHT: Yo! I didn’t want a “taxi.” I wanted a [fucking] getaway driver! Right now!

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Canine vs. Asinine

When a police officer in Naperville, Ill., saw a man at his patrol car, he went running to stop him. The man was taunting the officer’s police dog in the car, “sticking his face close to the cage, yelling and screaming at the dog, and sticking his tongue out and making faces,” said Sgt. John Westlove. Before the officer could arrive to intervene, the man opened the police car’s door. Naturally the dog tried to get at the man, who panicked and slammed the door again – on the dog’s head. The officer arrived about that time and wrestled the man to the ground, and a backup officer jumped in to assist. Douglas Carncross, 26, was arrested and charged with injuring a police animal, criminal trespass to a vehicle, and resisting arrest. The dog, Sabek, was bleeding, but is expected to recover.

A THOUGHT: I wonder how tempted the officer was to just let the dog handle it.

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Seventh-Grader Slapdown

Jared John Gallagher, assistant football coach at Corriher-Lipe Middle School in Landis, N.C., was apparently having a bad day. When deputies arrived in response to a disturbance call, the head coach, Douglas Pruitt, told them Gallagher had attempted to strangle a seventh-grade student, and had assaulted a parent. When Deputy William Lowery approached, Gallagher demanded the deputy take off his sunglasses, then clenched his fists. Gallagher allegedly continued threatening the officer, and Lowery eventually tagged him with a Taser. But Gallagher pulled the prongs from his skin. Another officer fired his Taser too; it took two more shocks to get Gallagher to surrender. He was charged with child abuse, possession of a weapon on educational grounds (a handgun in his car), and resisting arrest, all misdemeanors.

A THOUGHT: Apparently this was part of his usual coaching lesson to the kids: “Never give up.”

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Visitors taking in the grandeur of Arizona’s Grand Canyon National Park were boggled by another tourist – he was spray-painting something on one of the classic formations, “Duck on a Rock”. As some screamed at him to stop, others called 911. Park rangers responded and a man was pointed out. “I made contact with the man and asked him where he had been,” Ranger David Robinson said in his report.

 “He replied by pointing down at the rock where the red spray paint was visible.” It said “Luci” — a name apparently interrupted mid-spray. He allegedly admitted he had planned to write out his full name. Where is
the can of paint? The man said he threw it into the canyon. The man “stated that it was so special that if he left his name, then his kids would be able to see it 20 years from now.” Except that the Park Service said the paint would be removed — at a cost of about $8,000. Lucien Lionel Chenier, of Ottawa, Canada, was arrested on charges of damaging government property in excess of $1,000, and littering.

A THOUGHT: A crime so “special” that his kids will still be embarrassed by him 20 years from now.

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Drunken Dipsh*t

The Community Service Patrol in Anchorage, Alaska, picks up people for a “sleep-off center” where drunks can, well, sleep it off in safety. As their van sat on the street to pick up another passenger, a taxi pulled up, and the passenger got out, got into the van, “revved the engine and took off,” a police spokesman said. The driver took it the wrong way on a one-way street, causing traffic to scatter and flood 911 with panic calls. He then hit a tour bus, continued on – despite a flat tire – and stopped in front of a bar. A witness flagged down police and pointed the driver out, and Donny H. Weston, 35, was charged with vehicle theft, criminal mischief, leaving the scene of an accident, driving while intoxicated, driving without a valid license, and reckless endangerment. The passengers in the back? They had no idea that anything was out of the ordinary. 

A THOUGHT: “Yeah,” one said. “He drove just like we all do.”

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"Jerry’s Kid" Lee Lewis

Lee E. Lewis, 28, of Hollywood, Fla., is described by his longtime friend Jessica Wilpon as “a goofy kid who is very smart but can seem stupid, too.” The occasion: Lewis was evicted from his apartment and then broke down on a major expressway in Miami. Police say he parked his car – a hearse – under the overpass of a major expressway, checked under the hood, and then walked off. Not too weird, except that passers-by could apparently see the car was loaded with weapons, including what looked like automatic rifles, ammunition, and a military rocket launcher. Someone called the police, who shut down the expressway for nearly six hours as they checked the vehicle as a potential car bomb. All of the weapons turned out to be fake; there were no explosives, police said. But Lewis was arrested the next day and held on bond pending a mental health evaluation. “He really is a good kid, and he means well, but at times there is a lack of common sense,” Wilpon said. “If you know him, though, this story is hilarious.”

A THOUGHT: And if you don’t know him, this story is still hilarious.

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Billy Bonehead

Billy J. Rutherford, 23, took his fiancee to the Macon County (Ga.) Courts Facility to get married. She wore a traditional white dress; he wore a red T-shirt. They brought 15 guests along to witness the festivities. As they waited outside a courtroom for Associate Judge Thomas Griffith to perform the rite, court officials ordered Rutherford arrested. The charge: his fiancee had reported several months earlier that Rutherford “had been beating on her all day,” and Rutherford was arrested on one count of aggravated domestic battery and three counts of domestic battery with a prior conviction, and she was granted a protection order. A short time later, he was arrested for allegedly violating the protection order, charged with three more felonies, and released on bail again. The couple wanted Judge Griffith to perform the ceremony because he had represented Rutherford in earlier cases, when he was a private attorney, including the sexual assault of a 16-year-old girl and the aggravated battery of a 49-year-old woman. Rutherford is facing seven years in prison on his various charges.

A THOUGHT: Her wedding day is supposed to be the best day in a woman’s life. For once, it really was.

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