LIQUID BREAD:

 A woman showed up for an announced home-brewed beer contest
 at an agricultural show in Queenstown, New Zealand, but was told it was
 a “blokes only” affair and she was sent away. “Who cares if I have or
 haven’t got balls?” the 36-year-old woman asked. An official from Human
 Rights Commission said that “On the face of it, the competition may be
 breaching the Human Rights Act,” but added they wouldn’t investigate
 unless an official complaint was filed. The woman, whose real name is
 Rachel Beer, said she would not file a formal complaint.

A THOUGHT: It sounds like she’s the only sober person involved.

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New Name: The Zombie State

 In the middle of a court fight to determine whether South Carolina’s
 Voter Identification law is Constitutional (so far: no), Kevin Shwedo,
 director of the state’s Department of Motor Vehicles, announced that
 “more than 900” people listed in state records as deceased have
 “recently voted” in elections. “If you have voted after you are dead,”
 Shwedo told reporters, “there is a good, strong possibility that you
 did something illegal.”

A THOUGHT: On the other hand, surely the dead
 would do a much better job of electing honest representatives.

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MAN OF THE YEAR:

Simon Eroro, a reporter for the Post-Courier newspaper
 in Papua New Guinea, really wanted to get a story to expose how Free
 West Papua militants from Indonesia were getting across the border into
 PNG. “The impact of Simon’s scoop was enormous,” said the judges of an
 in-house journalism prize for News Limited reporters; the company
 employs Eroro. “The police commissioner launched a major operation to
 tighten the borders and close down the [Free West Papua] refugee
 camps.” But to get that scoop — to interview a group of “jungle
 rebels” who rarely let journalists in — Eroro had to agree to first
 allow himself to be circumcised with bamboo sticks. He did, they did,
 and he got the scoop and the company award.

A THOUGHT: Nice move, but I bet he can’t pull it off again!

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DID YOU FIND ANY CLUES, OFFICER?

 Police in Saskatoon, Sask., Canada, were
 watching the comings and goings at a residence, and saw enough to get a
 search warrant to look inside the house of Jason Pauchay and his
 girlfriend, Clarissa Prosper, for evidence of drug dealing. As they
 searched, they found Pauchay’s cell phone, which noted on the display
 it belonged to “Jason Pauchay Drug Dealer”. Officers also found
 marijuana and $5,000 in cash. Pauchay, 24, pleaded guilty to drug
 trafficking. The report concludes that Pauchay “had no prior criminal
 record.”

A THOUGHT: Everybody has to start somewhere.

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WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "RIDICULOUS LAWSUITS BY INMATES"?

When Jesse Dimmick was a fugitive from Colorado fleeing a murder charge, he led police in
 Kansas on a chase, and his car was disabled in front of a newlywed
 couple’s house. He ran in and confronted the couple, Jared and Lindsay
 Rowley, at knifepoint. As police surrounded the house, Dimmick says he
 got a verbal agreement from the couple that they would help him escape
 in exchange for an unspecified cash payment, which he says constituted
 “a legally binding oral contract.” But when he fell asleep, the Rowleys
 fled the house and police stormed in, shooting and wounding Dimmick. He
 was convicted of multiple felonies in the case, but after his
 sentencing (10 years, 11 months), Dimmick was extradited to Colorado to
 face the murder charge. In his free time while awaiting trial in that
 case, Dimmick has sued the Rowleys “without the aid of professional
 [sic] legal counsel,” his claim notes, alleging “breech [sic] of
 contract” and demanding $235,000 in compensation. The Rowleys’ attorney
 asked for a dismissal of the suit, but the judge has yet to rule on
 that motion.

A THOUGHT: The law has this backwards – Inmates shouldn’t be allowed to file such suits without the judge’s permission.

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THE VERY MODEL OF A MODERN PROTESTOR:

 In the picture Sydney Spies, 18,
 submitted for her Durango, Colo., High School yearbook, her hair flows
 between her bare shoulders to a top that ends high enough to reveal her
 midriff. After learning that the image had been rejected as a senior
 portrait, Spies, her mother, and other students held a protest,
 accusing school officials of censorship. But in a meeting with a
 reporter, the yearbook’s student editors claimed responsibility for the
 decision, adding their vote was unanimous. “We are an award-winning
 yearbook,” said editor Brian Jaramillo. “We don’t want to diminish the
 quality with something that can be seen as unprofessional.” Spies,
 however, said the editors had previously voted to publish the picture,
 and accused the administration of intimidating them into reversing
 their decision.

A THOUGHT: The picture is hot, but it’s the defiance that’s really beautiful.

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TUTTI FRUTTI (AW-ROOTY):

 Police in Madison, Wisc., acting on complaints
 of people drinking and using drugs in a park, cruised by for a look. A
 man they knew thrust his hands into his pockets when he saw them, so
 they searched him — legal because they knew he was on probation for
 weapons possession. Sure enough, police say, he was carrying a knife in
 violation of his probation terms, as well as drug paraphernalia and
 marijuana. Thus, Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop, 30 — his actual
 legal name — was taken into custody. Zopittybop-Bop-Bop is on
 probation after police found him with a loaded gun last year — in
 Peace Park.

A THOUGHT: It’s the truth / It’s actual / Everything is satisfactual.

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SABER RATTLING:

Police responded to a 911 call from a Toys ‘R’ Us store
 on Hayden Island in Portland, Ore., because of a man inside attacking
 customers. He allegedly assaulted three people and then went out to the
 parking lot with weapon in hand. Police tried twice to use a Taser on
 him, but he deflected the attack. Eventually, police pinned the
 33-year-old man to the ground. The unnamed man was taken to a hospital
 for mental evaluation, after which he faces “several criminal charges,”
 says Portland Police Bureau spokesman Sgt. Pete Simpson. The reason for
 the mental evaluation may be due to his choice of weapon: a toy light
 saber from Star Wars. None of his alleged victims required medical
 attention.

A THOUGHT: Obviously he is not properly trained in use of the Force.

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LET THE FARCE BE WITH YOU:

A Florida State Trooper patrolling in Orlando
 stopped a suspicious-looking character near a construction site: the
 man was dressed as Darth Vader from Star Wars. The trooper asked the
 man to move on, but instead the man swore at him and lay down in the
 road. When the trooper approached, the man allegedly tried to hit and
 kick him, so the trooper shot him with his Taser. That didn’t work
 because of the man’s thick coat, so the lawman switched to pepper spray
 to subdue him. Michael Eugene Cole, 28, was taken to a hospital for
 treatment, and then held for psychological observation. Troopers gave
 the Vader mask to Cole’s mother, who admitted that Cole was involved in
 a similar occurrence several years before.

A THOUGHT:  Though that time, he was dressed as Anakin.

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THE WIFE IS ALWAYS THE LAST ONE TO KNOW:

 Bill Johnson, described as a
 “conservative Christian politician” from America, has spent the past 10
 months in Christchurch, New Zealand, helping victims of an earthquake
 there. His wife, reports note, is at home in the U.S. In his off hours,
 Johnson has been donating sperm to lesbian couples to help them have
 children, even though while running for governor of Alabama, he
 campaigned against gay marriage. He’s known online as “chchbill”, where
 he advertises his services. At least three women are pregnant from his
 donations, and he admits supplying three others, and is in talks with
 more. That’s in violation of the “guidelines” of local fertility
 practices, which recommend that donations be made only in regulated
 medical clinics, and that no more than four women are …uh… serviced
 by any one man. Johnson told a reporter that his wife, a former Mrs.
 America finalist, already had three children and can’t have more, and
 being a father was “a need that I have,” and that “Reproduction and
 having children is as basic a human need as eating.” Does his wife know
 about all the pregnancies he’s responsible for in New Zealand? “She
 does now,” Johnson said.

A THOUGHT: Does his wife have a divorce lawyer? She does now.

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